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Just something I've noticed about me
I write my best material when I'm really depressed.
More Break-up humor(?)
*sigh* another breakup...
Oh well.
Might as well make some jokes about it, eh? Story
of my life I swear...
Well, she broke up with me. I'll get that straight.I'm
still
not sure why but
oh well. It was weird... I kinda expected her
to go "Haha! April Fools! Just
Kidding! Of course we're still going out!"
But no. Its for real. I tried to salvage anything
I could... tried to find some
reason for us to stay together... I felt like
I was on the frickin Titanic. I could
feel it going down, and i couldnt do anything
about it. And worst of all, I had
to get a ride back with her in the car. That
was hard. I really could barely stop myself from crying.
And it happened about... erm... an hour ago...
so I apologize
for this not really being that funny. I just
needed to let some things out.
Gap
I got a job at the Gap. Or rather... I had
a job at the Gap. It sucks!
Never work there! My first day I had to sort
the bras out. Hows that for meeting
new people with your hand full of a 34B? And
then when you tell people where you
work they all think youre gay. (Nothing against
gay people. Its just that when youre not
gay and people think you are its not really the
greatest thing). And the people that shop there!
Argh! Its like 'Can I help you ok fuck you too'.
I hate it there. I dont even like wearing their clothes.
They come up with the stupidest stuff. Next seaon...
'Everybody in Ponchos!'. And
they'll all be dancing around to the theme from
Cats or something. Or some ancient 1920's music.
Ba-dadadada-badada-ba....
Dude! Bring back the ones where you get the famous
people playing instruments and stuff.
God
Ah yes... I had to touch on this at least once...
I think God is a big grrovy guy in the sky, and
he's got a
great sense of humour! Just look at the fuckin
giraffe!
God's all: "Hey... I think i'll create an animal
with a neck
twice as long as its body". He mustve created
weed right before.
Random thoughts
Theres this new movie coming out called 'Hollow
Man', starring
Kevin Bacon. Its about this guy who is turned
invisible. How can
you say that it stars Kevin Bacon when he isnt
physically in the movie?
Kevin Bacon is a pretty good actor i guess, i
mean, I'll admit that
a couple really did suck, but i didnt think Stir
Of Echoes was that bad.
It was better than Sixth Sense. Everyone just
liked that little kid
in Sixth Sense. Cmon! Admit it! The rest of it
was kind of *blegh*.
Sean Connery
Sean Connery is the ULTIMATE pimp. He walks around
in all
his movies like he has a 10 foot penis. They
should write a movie that stars
him and co-stars his penis.
"Yesh, my name ish Sean Connery... I have an
extraordinarily large penish. Itsh
absholutley friggin huge. My garganutan godlike
phallush can be used
fer shelter during timesh of need. My penish
ish of such epic length that it
can actually travel back in time I'm actually
shagging a girl in China next
Tueshday.. Oh yesh. For I am Sean Connerey, and
I have an extraordinary
large penish."
Soapbox #2
Doesn't AOL just completley flat out suck? Why
does no-one admit this?
Is it some secret? I mean, we all know it.
Stupid things I've noticed
Isnt it weird when you take a pee and it smells
like Sugar Smacks...
but you havent had Sugar Smacks?
Isnt it weird when people buy matresses, they
have to try them out, and
they do that little bounce-test thing? Its where
you sit on the bed and bounce up
and down a bit. And then you have to pat it with
your hand JUST to see if it
will be any bouncier with your hand. Weird, huh?
Motherf**ker
Isnt Motherfucker a weird word? Because it technically
means
'Some-one that fucks mothers', right?
So wouldnt that be your dad?
Think about it! You could give your dad saying
'Happy Birthday, Motherfucker!' on it.
Or a t-shirt saying 'Worlds Best Motherfucker'.
I dunno. Just thinking.
Ned's Soapbox #1
Ok... I'm a Christian, and im proud of it. But
heres something
I dont get about Christianity. What do they have
against gay people?
Its gotta suck to be gay now. I mean, your
family disowns you, your
parents hate you, your friends hate you, any
potential employers
hate you, and now GOD hates you. Imagine waking
up every
day knowing that God hates you.
Imagine this... you sneeze... 'God bless you...
unless youre gay'.
Its just so stupid. Its just one step away from
pure bigotry.
Britney Spears's boobs
Heres what I dont get... everyone says that theyre
fake. Why?
Last time I checked, when a girl gained a couple
of cup sizes in a couple of years it
was called PUBERTY. But obviously celebrities
are immune to all things mortal...
Old People
Old people.... theyre always crazy. Theres different
types, have you noticed?
1) Theres the REALLY crazy ones who think that
everyones a communist.
2) Theres the ones that tell you all about 'The
War'.
3) Theres the ones that tell you all about 'The
War', even though they were never in a war. Ever.
4) Theres the ones that yell at you for no apparent
reasons.
5) Theres the ones that bake you brownies.
6) Theres the ones that bake you marajuana brownies.
And dont tell you about it until youre higher than a kite.
7) Theres the one guy on the bus. He's the same
guy. On every bus.
8) Theres the ones that jump out a plane to skydive.
9) Theres the ones that jump out of a plane...
because they felt like it.
Has anyone noticed...
...that nudist colonies seem to only be open
in the summer? Theres
never any 'winter nudies', apart fromt the hardcore
old guy at the front desk.
He's always there.
He's called Jeff.
Love... what is it good for?
I swear... everyone thinks they know all about
love. And you know where they
get it from? Disney movies! Those things are
FULL of bullshit ideas about love.
For example, one says 'You have to get him to
kiss you, because that means that
he loves you'. Thanks a buch, Walt! Now everyone
thinks theyre an expert on Human
Relations just because theyve seen the fuckin
Little Mermaid.
Pimps
How do pimps start out? Has anyone ever thought
of the legistics of that?
Does he start out with a cardboard box with a
hole cut in and slowly
graduate his was up to women? "Excuse me... my
names Jeff... I was
wondering if you would have sex with other men
and give me money
for it".
Joke
Whats the difference between the circus and the
Spice Girls?
One is a cunning array of stunts...
Sabrina monologue
I know this chick called Sabrina, right? Shes
really cool, a great elfin
face, a great body, a killer smile...... and
a 6ft 4 boyfriend.
Strange how that works, huh?
Of course, if you see a beautiful girl single,
then you have to think
"But why is she single? Shes on
the open market and she hasnt been
snapped up yet?". Hehe someone actually said
that to me...
"You're smart, sexy, funny as hell... so why
the fuck are you on the open
market? You should be snapped up like a penthouse
apartment in New York
City". So I put a sign around my neck saying
'For Sale'. So this guy comes up
to me and says 'Rent, boy!'. And I thought he
was talking about a payment plan!
He had completley the wrong idea. So anyway,
back to Sabrina... the cool thing
about her is that she has great big 'fuck-me'
eyes. Some people have 'fuck-me' smiles,
smiles that just say "Fuck me". I, on the other
hand, have 'fuck-me' socks. At Christmas
I open the box and say "Fuck me! Socks!".
I'm a comedian
When people ask me what I do for fun I say I'm
a comedian.
So the thing is, they say "Oh! Be funny then!
Make me laugh!".
In which other profession would they do this?
You wouldnt go
"Hi my names Dave I'm a gynecologist"
"Oh really! Gimme a pap smear then! C'mon! Tie
my tubes!"
Or something.
Yearbook
I got my yearbook today... how come its always
full of people ive never seen in
my entire life? Im serious! Do these people
crawl out from under rocks,
have their picture taken, and then crawl back
under until next year? And do
the photographers use a special lens to make
everyone look completley different
to what they look like in real life?
I lost a LOT of weight since the photograph was
taken (30 pounds) so I look
way different. Unfortunatley thats how everyones
going to remember me.
Sad, huh?
Another Ex...
I dated this girl called Helen for about 3 weeks.
She was a model (this is true, actually).
I'm sure that all men have this problem... dont
date models! Theyre so goddam
high-maintenence! You have NO IDEA.
"I need a nose job i am so ugly"
No you dont! There is no physical imperfection
in you! That is why people pay money
to have you wear their clothes!
Me and Helen were an item for 3 weeks... but
i didnt call her for 2. So does that make
it one week? Or just me a bastard?
Boyz in the 'Burbs
(Snazzy title, eh?) You cannot pick up women
without a car. Me and a couple of my
homedawgs (er...neighbours...really) went on
a quest to the 7-11 to pick up chicks
(this is how i will remember my teenage years).
Its impossible! You cant go
"Hey baby doll...wanna come back to my place?
Er...my mate Steve can carry you. Here... hop
on the front of his bike". We'd have better luck
nailing 4 tins of peaches to a mattress
and rolling it down the street.
The Bus
ok i took the bus to work this morning... how
come the crazy person always sits next to you? Why is
this? I mean there you are, trundling along when
suddenley this mass of bags with a person in the
middle just happens to plod right down next to
you. After about 3 seconds this terrible stench that
smells unnaturally like pineapples and urine
wafts its way over. A small rhesus monkey jumps out of
one of the bags and nibbles at small animals
in your hair. You look around the bus and you suddenley
realize that what looks like the remaining members
of the Village People are sitting 2 rows away from
you. All you need is an eskimo, a cowboy and
a french person with a beret on his head and a
baguette under his arm and you'll have every
sterotype imaginable on that bus.
Elain Gonzales
I really feel sorry for that little guy, man.
Everyone seems to think he was born in a manger
to die for all
our sins or something. And he doesnt want to
go back to Cuba.
Fuck, who would want to go back to Cuba anyway?
They have cigars
there. And Llamas. And on rare occasians Llamas
smoking cigars.
And what does America have? Pokemon! Who needs
a fucking Llama
when you have Pikachu and his merry band of other
small furry things?
You know what they should do is put Elain back
in the ocean halfway
between Cuba and America and see which one he
swims back to.
Like one of those Lassie-esque movies.
NOTE: Ok the above is a JOKE. Dont
email me saying that I'm a sick sick sick person.
Because I'm not.
Magicians
This guy at my school is this magician. Whats
up with magicians?
They say they can fly. Why dont they do it outside?
"Ok guys clear out the car park, Dave's going
to fly"... its crazy.
You cant fly. No-one can fly. If we could then
none of us would go
to work. We'd just fly around all day. Ive noticed
that magicians are
constant attention seekers, "Hey didja see this
one?" "*sigh*...yes Travis..."
"How about this one?" "Travis go away". Chicks
love magicians.
I dont get it.
Whats up with...
...these boy bands +/ R+B people dancing with
chairs?
Is it obligatory that they do it at least once
a contract? Was there a clause saying
'By signing this document you are hereby allowed
more pussy than the H.U.M.A.N.E
Society, more money than the total gross national
product of some small counties... and
a chair dance at least once every concert'. It
does say something that theyre so lonely that
they dance with friggin' chairs. I'm sure that
this was just a joke way back when...
"Hey Brian! Come over here and dance with this
chair" "Oh alright...hey! This is pretty
damn cool".
Brintney Spears...
...is HOT and i dont care what you say. She'd
give a dog a bone.
With a knick-knack paddy-whack.
Oh yes.
Whats up with...
...these dead rapper guys coming back and making
more records?
Arent they dead? Is it coincidence that
their mum finds a large cardboard box
of unreleased tracks behind the sofa while shes
cleaning the house?
If Tupac really is dead, then i think Kurt Cobain
killed him. Its his gift from
beyond the grave. Kurt was sick of Tupac's weird
fruity R+B/rap hybrid that
was created in a lab in the Himilayas.
Toast
I think everyone should eat more toast. Toast
is really good.
I mean, all you need is a toaster and bread.
How cool is that?
Just pop it in and wait. What other food can
you say that about, eh?
And you can put anything on toast! Most people
put spaghetti or beans on it.
You see, I cant cook to save my life.... unless
its on toast! Thats right!
Caviar on toast! Roast goat with cream of virgin
monkey...on toast!
I can do it all if its on toast.
R+B
R+B music really sucks when your single. I understand
that 'Tyrese' or 'Joe'
or any other person that goes only by one name
('Sinbad' and 'Prince' is what
will eventually happen to these people) may make
chicks wetter than
Seattle in spring but when youre a single male
white guy then all you want to do
is punch Tyrese and Joe right in the face........and
then run away
screaming like a little girl because theyre much
bigger than you.
Jesus
Jesus was a really cool guy, dontcha think?
I mean, he could turn water into wine, so do
you think he could turn
water into a ... strawberry milkshake? Just thinking.
Dating: A Reflection...
Ok...Why the hell is it that when youre dating
someone,
ALL of these other chicks start liking you? What
is it
about someone that is balatantly taken that makes
them
so much more appealing? C'mon, man. Know when
to stop.
I've learned from personal experience that its
not worth
messing with people who are hooked up.No! Drop
it!
Let it go! They're gone! It only causes trouble.
If you
need to get some that badly then I suggest
you join
The Band Of The Hand.
French People
Whats up with french people? They're just so...
French.
I dont think they like me. Maybe they do. Maybe
I'll meet a really
hot french girl... and all I'll be able to say
to her is 'The monkey
is on the branch' which is all I ever learned
in 8 years of French anyway...
Movies
Why do they have L-shaped bedsheets in movies?
You know the ones that cover up only half the
guy, but all
of the girl. And how come no-one ever waits for
someone to
pick up the phone in movies anymore? Why does
no-one
ever go to the bathroom in movies? That goes
for the people
watching it, too. You could have peed for 1/2
an hour before the movie,
but by the time the credits come up, you have
to pee
like Niagra-fahking-Falls. Oh yeah and what the
HELL is up
with the popcorn prices? Why are they so ri-goddam-diculous?
And why have I never seen anyone actually finish
the large size popcorn,
let alone go back for the 'free refill'? You
know what they should do?
Just give you one really BIG piece of popcorn,
about 2 feet high or something.
What happened to bad horror movies that knew
they were bad, yet
still had the decency to carry on? And when will
they have a teen romantic
comedy about betting someone to date a loser
chick that DOESN'T have
Freddie Prince Jr in it? He can play only the
one character, can't he?
Whatever happened at the end of the Blair Witch
Project?
Whatever happened to the plot for the Phantom
Menace?
Whatever happened to Ellen?
What did they do to her? She was cool. Bring
her back, damn it.
The Ladies Room
So... there I am at one of the classier restaurants
in San Jose
for one of my friends 'Sweet 16' birthday party.
Theres a small group of friends there.
Me, the birthday girl, and 2 other chicks. Suddenly,
halfway through the salad... get this...
they ALL get up to go to the bathroom! AT THE
SAME TIME! And you'd think this
phenomenom would stop right there, wouldn't you?
No! I'm in the restaurant called the Olive Garden,
December 10th 1999. My date and her friend getup
to go to the bathroom. Amazingly, about 10
other women stand up and go to the bathroom AT
THE SAME TIME! Ok. I just have to know
whats in that bathroom that makes it so damn
popular. I wait till the throngs outside the door of the
Ladies room have lessened to a few dozen (theres
a line of people waiting to get in! ).
I manage to get into the bathroom by bribing
the bouncer $20. Inside, I am AMAZED.
Theres TV's... video games... free drinks...
it's insane! Quickly, two of the
security guards spot me. I try to hide behind
the roller coaster, and glue myself to the underside of a
goat in the petting zoo. But to no avail. I am
dragged off. They beat me and question me.
Finally, I am allowed to leave, but with a strict
warning that I do not enter the premises
again. I make my way back to the table, where
my date is patiently waiting.
She asks where I've been, and where my jacket
is, and why my shirt is torn.
I tell her I accidentaly went into the Ladies
Room.
She laughs, and takes a sip of her drink.
I still have a bruise.
Back by popular demand... Things that I've Thunk
*If there was an Indian Cheif named 'Sitting Bull', theres a good chance theres one called 'Two Dogs Humping'.
*If I could take only one thing on a desert island, I'd take a helicopter. (Why does everyone one say 'a box of matches' or some stupid thing like that?)
*My ideal woman? Probably me with breasts.
*Hey talking about breasts, wouldn't it be cool if guys had stuff in their tits? Something manly, like... motor oil. Or beer. But then your friends would be coming round way too often.
*If people could lick themselves like dogs do, no-one would ever go to work.
*All pop stars are created by a team of computers in a highly secret subterranean base. The code name is 'Tiger Beat'.
*Ok, a guessing question. This celebrity had 7 replacements which replaced the preceding one after they died so little kids did not think that the character ever died. Can you guess it? Thats right its Micheal Jackson.
*The Spice Girls are like heroin. Millions of people have it but no one will admit it.
*No-one can honestley say that eggs are their favorite food. Weird huh.....
*Nicolas Cage has only 2 dialects and 1 type of character he can play.
*Everyone says that they hate the band Oasis but no-one can think of an excuse why which doesn't contain the word 'Beatle'.
*The word 'Bollocks' literally means 'small bulls'. Theres a joke in there somewhere...
*What if the person who talks to himself on the street IS the sane one?
*What if he was Jesus?
*If Jesus came back now he'd never stop throwing up.
*Religions were long ago cults.
*I can imagine Nostradamus long ago sitting at his desk writing away saying "This'll scare the little bastards...."
*Talking about Nostradamus, he was a bitter asshole wasn't he?
*The dad on the Brady Bunch was gay. If you watch an episode now, look at his eyes....
*In America, is it crucial to either have your childs name be broken down into two capital letters and/or have it end with an 'ee' sound? (e.g: AJ, Johnny, Teri etc etc...). Just noticed that.
*Did you know that you spend one year of your life waiting? Not one consecutive year of course...
*Ok if you pay someone $1000 for sex then presumably you get good sex, right? But what about the people who give it out for free? Then you'd be getting bad sex. So whats wrong with hookers?
*Then you should say 'No way I'm going to get some GOOD sex'.
*Does anyone REALLY care about the whole Monica/President thing?
*I used to cry because I had no shoes, but then I met a man who had no feet. Then I laughed really really hard.
*You can die by injecting egg whites directley into your viens. Damn it must've sure sucked to have been the guy who found that out...
*...Same with the guy who found out it takes exactly
2.8 seconds to fall from the top of Big Ben. *
...And the guy who found out that a 180 pound
man can feed a 5 person family for a month.
*Beanie Babies. Why? Dear God, why?
*If a tree falls on a married man in a forest and there is no-one around to hear him, is he still wrong? (compliments of my dad, that one.)
*How come I've met only one Mormon family that live outside Salt Lake City? (I'm gonna get HELLA e-mails for this...)
*Algebra. Do we REALLY need to learn it? Ok sure if you're going into a Mathematic job but anything else? And above all WHO CARES?
*Would Hitler, if he was born nowadays, be a talk
show host? Think about it. He controlled all aspects of culture and brainwashed
millions for his dreams of worldwide domination. He also wrote books on
the subject and forced his followers to buy them.
*I once asked someone, "What would you do if the world was going to end in 10 minutes?", to which he replied "I'd make love to anything that moved. What would you do?" to which I replied "Stay very still."
*There are people dying by the masses in Eastern Europe right now and all we can be concerned about is Britney Spear's tits!!!
*Britney Spears's tits....hmm.......
*Well then.... now we are on that subject I'd like to take 5 minutes to admire those things.
ah yes.... there we go.....
*Come to think of it, we should all be thnking of Britney Spears's tits.
*Star Wars Fans who camp outside the theatres. You sad pathetic bastards.
*Anyone who e-mails me rgarding the above statement is sad, pathetic, and a bastard.
*A person who hangs from his nipples in his garage wearing a chef's hat for his own sexual pleasure is not peverted. He's just very specific.
*Cher. Was one of her parents a horse or something? Look at that face...
*93.8% of statistics are made up.
*Ok. Why do people go out and buy those Christmas gifts like Furbys and Tickle-Me-Elmos when they blatantly know that they'll lose all value whatsoever come February?
*Why is the word dyslexic so hard to spell?
*What cruel asshole put an 's' in 'lisp'?
*What if Hell did freeze over just to piss people off?
*The average human attention span is 8 seconds. But you probably aren't reading this.
*If I can only name 3 people out of 100 people that downright hate me, then statisticlly 3% of the human population hates me. Then how come I run into the same 3%?
*Alrighty. Walt Disney's one major mistake was putting breasts on animals. It makes you think the wrong thing.
*Who cares if your other car is a Ferrari? Why the f**k aren't you driving it then?
*Help The Aged. Once they were just like you...
*Why the hell don't they just inter-breed Bulldogs and Shitzu's because everyone would want one.
*"Blind people shouldn't sky-dive..........it scares the hell out of their dogs.
*I don't believe in amimal testing. I think they'd give the wrong answers.
*Britney Spears's album is like "Lolita - The Musical". You feel dirty just looking at it in the stores.
*Ginseng, translated, means 'male root'. Now go out and buy yourself an 'energy drink'.
*Viagra. Micacle-Gro for humans.
*You know Viagra gives you a 4 hour erection? Now those adverts really scare me. Especially the one with Bob Dole.
*Think about the guy who first thought about milk. Did he just wake up and say 'Hmm I wonder what will happen when I suck those things on the bottom of that cow that look remarkably like phalluses.'. I bet his friends thought he was pretty weird.
Break-up humor...
Its never fun to break up, dont get me wrong.
There's a weird pattern, though.
When you're with a girl, chicks like you. When
you're not, the ones who liked
you suddenley seem to dissapear. After the break-up,
you automatically
put on the the most depressing music you
can find, stuff that you use
to sober up the drunk non-believers that wonder
the streets at 3 AM.
There you are, busting out the last track on
a Tori Amos CD, when you're parents
walk in at the worst moment (thats all
of them, actually...). THey ask the
inevitable question... 'Whats wrong?'. You couldnt
be bothered to lift a finger
to save the human race as we know it, let alone
answer a question on why you
just broke up with someone you loved / thought
you loved / all of the above.
Another thing, everyone either loves you or hates
you. You'll get random people
telling you you're a bastard. These people crawl
out from under rocks to tell you
this and then slither back down. And of course
theres always at least one rumor
why you broke up that is blatantly not true that
everyone believes. Oh yes.
And you will have to tell everyone that same
story at least 15,000 times.
So, if you're thinking about breaking up, its
never fun.
*P.s: Ok i read through the last two and I apologize
that maybe their not really that funny.
Maybe you've been through a break up or
whatever and can relate. Maybe not. Oh well...
Things that arent true yet people say them...
"Nobody likes a smart ass" - everyone likes the
smart ass! What are you talking about?
"Nobody's going to notice that zit!"
"Youre not fat.... youre...lean"
Plane Safety
Ok I went on a trip to Arizona with my girlfriend.
She has never flown before. She is FREAKING out.
When the plane goes through a bit of turbelence
she makes me
put on my seatbelt. Do they really think that
that thin strap of nylon
will save our asses from plummeting 35,000 feet
into the ground?
I mean, if we put our seats just a fraction of
an inch back the
airline hostess (who looks dead anyway. Its weird
being served
by a dead person...) just bitches at you as if
she'd just caught you
smoking in the bathroom; which by the way is
a heinous crime that ranks
up there with raping chickens (honestley...the
one time where
you need a cigarette...). Anyhoo, so there
we are. I'm sitting next to this
guy who looks like he just stepped out of an
NBC courtroom drama.
This guy has his tie loosened, the stubble, the
grey hair, the hardened face...
this guy will not talk. He asks for black coffee
with all the enthusiasm of
a manic depressive who's just been told he has
testicular cancer (see below).
I'm afraid to get up to go to the bathroom, so
i crwal out my seat like
a fahkin James Bond movie. When I get to the
bathroom, there's always
the people that are AMAZED by the concept of
the light going on in the
bathroom when you open the door. This woman is
literally opening and closing
the door, saying to her balding husband 'Its
like a refridgerator! Look Earl...'.
Meanwhile, Earl is listening to a program on
Airplane Radio Channel 3
entitled "All About Cupboards". Oh yeah, NEVER
ask for more than 3 bags of
peanuts. Its this unwritten law. Actually it
is written; scrawled on the back
of seat 11D if you can find it. If you ask for
one bag, they'll happily give it to you.
Two, you're pushing it. Three, they'll kill you.
Oh yeah! They did it to this one guy.
Anyhoo, Rachel (ma g/f) thinks that she's going
to fall out of the airplane.
Why? I have no idea. But anyway, she's scared
out of her little tree so I gentley try to
comfort her by telling her about a guy who fell
out of an airplane and onto a pillow factory.
Sadly, its not true. But you can see the
state lines like they are on a map if you look
really close... ;)
If I was an animal I would be...
...a flying goat. Beacause goats are cool. And
I've always wanted to fly,
and I could dive-bomb people. They'd all go 'Look,
a flying goat!' and I would
go 'Ha! Yes I am a flying goat so fahk you' and
I'd swoop really close to them.
Weird words
Isn't chimney a weird word? Same with 'pipe'.
Very Bad Things
You know what really sucks? Testicular cancer.
Now thats a bad idea.
I think God said "Hmm...well I've created boobs
which are a really cool idea
so I have to create a really bad idea... ah yes!
I'll make ball cancer."
Dr Suess
I wanted to read Dr. Suess's eulogy.
"Here lies Dr Suess
He is dead!
Someone hit him in the head!
And the womblers and the woozlers
and the kazoodlers too..."
etc etc until you get pulled away by angry relatives.
A guy walks into a bar...
Have you noticed that a guy never walks into
a bar buy himself,
and if he does then theres usually a barman,
making it two people.
Because if he walked into a bar by himself then
he would most likely interact
with the building, thus killing the joke entirely.
And theres never a joke where 3 guys walk into
a bar.
And when theres 4 guys that walk into a bar,
there should be 2 seperate jokes
shouldnt there?
Periods
You know those Midol (period medicine if you
don't know) ads
where the chick goes 'Guys don't know what its
like
to have a period! How stupid of them! etc etc'?
Well of COURSE we don't know! We don't
HAVE periods!
The reason we give you Tylonol is because WE
DON'T KNOW!
How do they expect us to know?
It happens to guys too Pt.1
Chicks seem to think they ae always fat. Theres
been
a lot of stuff said about supermodels and chicks
thinking
they're fat but has it ever occured that
IT HAPPENS TO GUYS TOO.
Yes! Thats right! Guys are also being pressured
into looking
like that wanker Ryan Phillipe and at least one
of
the members from at least one of the boy bands
(oh lets face it they're all the same except
just wearing different clothes...).
I think I'm fatter than Pavarotti but people
say
'DUDE! You are NOT fat'.
Why?
Why do people think that Dawsons Creek is 'new
and exciting'?
Is there something about seeing 30 year olds
pretend
to be 15 year old sex maniacs that people seem
to like? Why
do pretty white kids like to see other pretty
white kids?
Why do people think that?
Why does no one buy terriers? Terriers are
cool dogs, but everyone goes for the labradors,
which are the
'Woof woof im a blatant dog' type dogs.
I like terriers.
Why do people think that Hooters is a strip club?
Who sits down and figures out how many
trips to Pluto a soda can would take if we laid
them end to end from Boise Idaho for a
year or whatever? Does anyone care?
Mariah Carey
Mariah Carey may be looser than an anorexic elephant
but she is still HOT. There's no denying it.
But lets face it,
She could play a kazoo and people would still
buy
her records.
The Squirrel Joke
You know you wake up in the morning, and your
hair is all over the place?
Well that's because, in the middle of the
night, squirrels break into your room, with
combs and moose, and the moose stand
guard whilst the squirrels comb your hair
into weird shapes, then they all run off, laughing
that moose
means two things, and can be used in a joke format.
Ass!
Why do people find asses / arses / butts attractive?
Lets think about this
legistically here. What does an ass do? I'll
let you ponder that one for
a while. Who thought up this whole butt thing
anyway? Its always been a great mystery,
for me anyway. But they tell me I have a very
cute ass.
So I don't complain. Whatever floats your kiwi.
Hitting things
Don't you hate it when you're having a really
great say and then
WHAM! something realy bad happens? Then you hit
something.
Which hurts your hand. Then you get even more
pissed off. And then
the person you hit, if you hit a person, gets
pissed off. Then they
start hitting things and getting more people
get pissed off, and somehow
it all ends up in the Middle East.
Great Inventions
Aren't boobs the best things ever invented? Aren't
they just really cool? I mean, they really don't
have
to be there that prominantley but isn't it just
a neato
invention? I wonder who invented them.
Big Long Stand-up thing I sat down and typed
one night
off of the top of my head.
I was in this department store with my mum the other day and she can be
so
embarassing dear god...ok let me do an impression...
"NED! WOULD YOU NEED AN EXTRA LARGE
BECAUSE
YOUR DEFINATELY NOT A MEDIUM ARE YOU?"
"NED! I CAN'T REMEMBER IF YOUR A
SIZE 43 OR A SIZE 33."
"LOOK AT THESE UNDIES ARENT THEY
GREAT? NED...NED
STOP TALKING TO THAT GIRL OVER THERE..NO..NO
WAIT
COME BACK HERE AND TRY THESE PANTS ON! DONT HIDE!"
My dad can be even worse, but he always means
well except he uses the wrong
phrases at the wrong time. So when he talks
to me about grades
its "You've got to talkto them nicely and buy
them
a meal or something" and when its about girls
it comes outsomething like "You've got
to put your head down and start working".
The thing is about girls is i am the anti-pimp-daddy.
I can just look at a girl and
she'll say no, which never works well when you
want to buy
milk in Safeways. I only seem to get the wrong
girls,
ya know? This is a true story
right, this Vietnamese lady was flirting with
me on a bus...
(I have a whole bit about that which requires
acting out).
Its funny because people would think that I would
really get
all the chicks because your a "people person".
But my best pickup line is "
I'm strong enough for a man but made for a woman"
(from an American
shampoo advert) so.... see picking up girls is
like selling a car. You've got
to go in there and say "Hey like this model?
Its got low milage and will always
be faithful with 3 and a half wheels 2.4 cylinder
edam cheese blehblehbleh".
And its not like they could give a flying
piece of kiwi.
An overheard joke that I thought was pretty
good...
3 blondes are taking a job interview.
The
boss (employer person) asks the first blonde,
'Can You tell me what Easter is?'
he asks
'Sure' she answers 'Its when everyone
dresses up
all scary and goes round to other peoples houses.
'Uh..We'll get back to you' the
boss says. He turns to the second blonde.
'Can You tell me what Easter is?' he asks
'Isn't it that one about Jesus where
everone gives each other presents?' she
replies.
'No. Thank you for coming.' He turns to the third and final blonde.
'Can You tell me what Easter is?' he asks
'Easter is the Christian Holiday
which coincides with
the jewish celebration of Passover. During
this time period, Jesus was put in a cave and
a large rock was placed
over the entrance to the cave.' she answers.
'Wow!' says the employer 'Consider yourself hi..'
The blonde keeps talking.
"And every year Jesus sticks his
head out of the cave and if he
sees his shadow...'
Girls #2 : A night like a movie...a
day like a bad sitcom
Ok I got free advanced screen passes to go see
a movie. I took a girl.
We made out 7 times. In one night. Fun Fun Fun!
That has to be some kind of
record. I went to school the next day and checked
up on plans to go see another
movie with a couple of other girls that I had
made a long time ago. Me and the
girl (from last night) were talking and I was
basically saying I didn't want to
lead her on. So guess what? In a 5 minute period
both
of the girls walk
up (at different times) and check on the
movie plans with me
while I'm still talking
to the girl from last night! It was a
lot like a bad sitcom. I'm amazed that this
kind of stuff really does happen. I felt
like a pimp. A guilty pimp at that.
Bugger.
A short writing entitled 'Breakfast'.
I stared into the dark harsh realization that
was my Breakfast.
6 Billion years and how far had we come? One
highly decorated box of Cocoa
Pebbles. I felt obliged to eat it. It stared
me back like one of those Arctic Seal
Pups you see on TV. I knew that if I didn't eat
it, it would be a slightly pissed off
bowl of Cocoa Pebbles. However, if I did choose
the ritual passage of rites that
is eating my breakfast, the world would be short
of one bowl of cereal. Yet there
would always be another to fill its place.
Bastard bowl of cereal.